Everybody knows

Unsurprisingly, I am greeted by the sight of one or two catalogues every time I check my mail. Some clever person realized that people up here need mail order shopping. This isn't to say that the stores here don't offer clothes and home furnishings; the prices are obscenely inflated. People with discerning tastes, such as myself, have little time or need for the goods offered in these flyers and, consequently, the catalogues end up in the recycle bin. This would be all well and good if Inuvik actually had a recycling program for paper. I was surprised to learn at work, where we generate a lot of paper waste, that the blue boxes were all for show.

As my one of my students would say 'this is killer bad.' Not only does the town of Inuvik throw out all of its own paper, but it also adds paper from the rest of the Canada, and beyond, in the form of catalogues and flyers. It made me appreciate that larger cities have to be a lot more accountable for what they recycle and what they throw away. This isn't to say the larger cities are perfect but they are at least taking steps, and have the facilities to reduce what ends up in land fills.

On the plus side, Inuvik does have a recycling program for cans and bottles. Pictured above is a large block of crushed cans outside of the Inuvik bottle depot.

I am about conduct something of a social experiment in a few minutes so I'll finish this post with:

Inexcusable Excuses

• Went to bank to replace lost debit card
• Daughter hadn't come home and couldn't leave because door couldn't be locked
• Couldn't wake up babysitter

I don't mind waiting

My morning started with a phone call to the adult education department of the Toronto District School Board; they wanted to offer me a long term occasional position. Ouch. Hopefully they’ll need teachers as badly next September.

My days at school pass by fairly fast but they are stressful. One woman in my class has been off all week. She showed up yesterday with a black eye and a broken nose. She said she “got into something” on Friday night; I didn’t ask what, or who, that something was. I later heard that her injuries were caused by a fight with her brother.

For the most part my students are quite enjoyable (there is one problem person, but what classroom would be complete without one of those?). There is a lot they haven’t learned, or forgot, about reading and writing and math. I’m frequently assuming they have too much prior knowledge (though it’s what they should have for the level of the course). As well, I’m quickly becoming acquainted with the level of work they like to do and where they’ll start to resist.

One of the biggest challenges this school faces is attendance. Every day I receive e-mails from my supervisor saying if someone has an excused or unexcused absence and the reason they gave. Presented for the first time is a new section of this blog called: Inexcusable absences

(Please note, these are all actual excuses given by students – taken directly from e-mails from my supervisor)

• "Are there classes this morning?"
• She 'forgot' there was no school for her kids today."
• She's sick, "but will be better by 10 and will come to class then"
• doesn't have babysitter

Everything is sparkling with diamond light

I don't want to write about the weather too much but I thought this was worth mentioning. It snowed last night. For most of Canada, the first day of fall is Sept. 22 - I hope that the rest of you will appreciate its snow free nature.

It's kind of exciting to see the snow, though this may mean that the novelty wears off that much sooner.

Regardless, I'm listening to some Christmas music anyway.

Miss Saigon

All of my students are either Gwich'in, Inuvialuit, or Metis. It's pretty neat. Today there was a special event put on by the elders of the first two groups (I think, I couldn't find out for sure that it was both). There was a free lunch, music by the "Good Time Band" and a chance for the younger people to meet the elders. I told all of my students during class and encouraged them all to go. The event was open to all people so I went during my lunch break. There were only about 10 people there and I was probably the youngest person around. An older gentleman beckoned me inside the hall and motioned that I should get some food. I have to say, I'm pretty fond of bannock and they had some there. I sat and ate and listened to the "Good Time Band". If anything, the band sells themselves short with their name. The music they played seemed like it would be perfect for a barn dance; it was really fun, upbeat and very well played.

I didn't speak with anyone while I was there but gave one of the band members the thumbs up before I left. He looked pretty happy but I would have liked to have done more to say thanks for such a unique experience. Hopefully I'll have a chance at another event.

On an unrelated note - my stuff is here and will be moved into my apartment tomorrow afternoon. My neighbours can expect to smell cinnamon raisin bread baking a few hours after that (with Saigon cinnamon no less).

consensual worlds

I told a student today that he was a great resource to have in class. I meant it too. We were talking about the elements of a short story and every time I explained a term like 'mood' or 'setting,' he would launch into a brief narrative of his own to exemplify what I was saying. It wasn't entirely intentional on his part; I think he was doing it more to get a laugh than anything but it really was useful.

Today was my first full day of teaching. I was glad to actually get going as the previous two weeks have been filled with everything (from multiple class changes, to cleaning, meetings and more) but very little actual prep time. A new instructor will start tomorrow (she just flew up from Edmonton this afternoon) and though she has a lot to take in she really isn't too far behind (planning wise) from the other instructors (I barely have tomorrow covered). And, her course load won't change on a daily basis.

This just in -

A low speed moving van has been spotted north of Edmonton. Officials predict, based on its bearing and speed, that it may be heading for the Inuvik area of the NWT. Those eagerly awaiting the arrival of their possessions should keep their hopes in check until Friday at the earliest.

will her folks look down on me?

Dear Inuvik Post Office:

Please leave your doors unlocked later than 5:30pm so that I may check my mail.

Sincerely,

Jesse V.

A little of bit love

I've been warned by numerous people about the upcoming closure of the Dempster highway. In about one month the highway will close and the town will essentially be shut off from the rest of the world. The price of food will double, or triple, and staples like milk, eggs and other perishable items will remain out of stock until the road opens again. (I think it takes about a month or maybe a little more for the road to reopen). One suggestion for this dark time is that I buy UHT milk. I think a lot of people choose this option as the grocery store has recently put a lot of it in stock. I'd like to exaggerate (and I'm fond of hyperbole) and say that there's more UHT milk than a small town could ever drink but I'm pretty sure that won't be the case.

I've also learned, during my two weeks here, that the town of Inuvik has an eratic power supply. Power outages are common, brought on by aging infrastructure not quite up to the task of supplying the town's power needs (or so I've been told). Regardless of the reason, it's recommended that alarm clocks have a battery backup. Last night I used my Nintendo DS, it may just make a fine alarm for the remaining 9 1/2 months of my stay.

One last thing. The water up here tastes silty. Don't be fooled by companies pushing 'arctic water.' Unless it tastes kind of like sediment, you're not getting the real thing.

and at night I like to look my best

My apologies for the infrequency of posts. The hotel I was staying at had a very unreliable internet connection and I wasn't disciplined enough to write anything in Word and post it later. Currently, I am sitting on the floor of my otherwise empty apartment (which may shorten the length of this post). I actually slept on the floor last night - my stuff will hopefully be arriving by the end of next week. There was no reason given for why my possessions were delayed in their transit but I suspect that the couch caused some trouble around the Winnipeg area and had to spend a few days in a holding cell.

I do actually have a place to stay other then a pile of clothes on the floor. Tonight, I plan to make use of the college's staff house. It's offered to visiting instructors and people who have unruly furniture. I checked it out this evening and it has a very 'temporary stay' feel to it. There's nothing in the house that offers a hint of someone's personality, nor are there any photos or keepsakes. It even smells temporary - like someone just finished washing the dishes before heading out the door with a packed bag (maybe someone did actually do this before I arrived). In any event, I am glad to have a bed to sleep on.

On my way back to my apartment I noticed someone had written "baby makers of the world unite" in chalk on the wall of the CIBC (the town's only bank). This struck me as funny because I think people are already doing this, quite literally, regardless of how old they are. From what I have seen so far, quite a few of my students are young mothers.

solid gold

Right behind my new apartment is a section of the Trans Canada Trail (pictured to the right). It's actually the beginning of part of the trail, though the northern most section starts in Tuktoyaktuk. I walked along part of it today and saw some truly beautiful scenery. If the town of Inuvik were up for sale, it would probably be listed as a 'fixer upper' but the same cannot be said about the natural areas just past the edge of town.

It's been one week since I left Toronto. I've been told a great many things about living up north - most of which I have already forgot. Some of the things that stand out in my mind from this week are:

1) I was told to buy bear spray if I'm worried about roaming packs of dogs (I wasn't so much worried, just curious if they were a regular occurrence)

2) My landlord is from Jamaica and prefers Inuvik in the winter

3) This town is surprisingly international - some of the students at the learning centre are from the Sudan. One of my co-workers is from Iran and another is from Ireland

4) A certain brand of microwave meal that Capital M and I enjoy is available at one of the grocery stores. Moreover, there is a surprisingly decent variety of food stuffs up here

5) In general, food is at least twice as much as it is in Toronto (I already dislike buying food)

6) Chocolate milk is cheaper than regular milk. Though tempting, I will refrain from using it for my cereal

7) I was told not to cross my boss. This didn't actually alter any of my original plans for my stay up here.

Next week my stuff will hopefully arrive from Toronto and I have to get serious about trying to plan out my year.

but is it nice enough?

Could this place be my home for the next ten months? It's very possible. I've heard the building shakes (so did Fenwick and I lived much higher up), it's full of families and pets but the rent isn't outrageous (though still high) and it has best view out of the four places I've seen so far. Interestingly, the property company that owns this building (they own 70% of the rental places in town) charges less rent than the dump I saw yesterday.

I guess I should bite the bullet and commit to a lease.

In other unrelated news - I thought of a new word for the English dictionary 'perturbulence'. It's fitting for those times when you feel personally slighted by turbulence during a flight, like when it causes you to spill your drink on your shirt or needlessly grab the person next to you out of fright.

Hail Cesar

I ran into some bullies this morning on my way to work. I was just walking along minding my own business when I noticed three dogs running on the other side of the street. They looked really happy (they made me feel happy just from looking at them). I thought nothing of it when they crossed to my side of the street but my feeling of well being changed when the lead dog adopted an aggressive posture, barred his teeth and started growling and barking at me. The other two dogs followed suit and I stopped dead in my tracks. The lead dog did a little lunge at me and I stepped back. I started thinking "What would Cesar Millan do?" Then I remembered that I've only seen 'The Dog Whisperer' once and that was well over a year ago; I had no idea what he would do (I am pretty sure that he wouldn't have given up ground to an aggressive dog). I won't lie, I was starting to get a little scared as the dogs were all advancing on me. Fortunately, someone shouted one of the dog's names and it immediately dropped its aggressive stance. I'll try and avoid those three in the future, or at least make sure I have some lunch money on me.

My day at work was pretty busy. There was a meeting in my classroom about the malodorous occurrences that require building evacuations. According to the building managers it should now be fixed (one can only hope). My teaching schedule was changed and I suspect that it may change again before all is said and done. Bring it on.

I stopped by an apartment on my way back to the hotel. It was really hot, kind of dumpy and all for the low price of $1250/month (it's run by a former prison guard; I guess it was in pretty rough shape before she took it over). I'm seeing a few more places tomorrow and then I'll have to make a decision. So far I'd like not to live in the building I saw today.

One last thing, there is snow in the forecast for Saturday.

lady of the sky

Today I sort of started my job. It's only sort of because 1) a foul stench drove everyone out of the building before the day was done. There's nothing quite like the smell of unadulterated sewer gas to make you appreciate fresh air. 2) I'm not teaching yet, just getting everything set up. The actual start date of the classes is something of a mystery. My supervisor seems to think that the building won't be ready for the students to start next Tuesday - maybe a week later, maybe less.

It doesn't really matter to me, I'm just rolling with the punches. Same thing with my course load: math and science. As it stands I feel a bit like I'm on autopilot. Things will probably get to me later but the only thing I really care about right now is getting back home to Capital M. Nothing else seems that important.

(Pictured above is the famous 'Igloo Church')

Robots need love too

I spent last night in a hotel close to the Edmonton airport. The area seems to be frequented by truckers (lonely truckers?). The picture to the left doesn't show just how shady the building was, but I think I found a place where 'happy endings' are pretty much a guarantee for those looking for a little relief after a long haul.

Why was I in such an area you may ask? It was the first stop on my way to the town of Inuvik in the North West Territories. For the next ten months I will be teaching basic education to adults at a community college. It is my deepest hope that this experience will make it possible for me to find work in Toronto. Saying goodbye to Capital M and the cats was really difficult and not something I plan on repeating.

On a side note - When I arrived in Edmonton the weather was a surprising 27 degrees. Inuvik offered its own surprise of 2 degrees with a few flakes of snow thrown in for good measure. The person meeting me at the airport picked me out of the crowd right away saying that my camera and shorts gave me away as a newbie to the town. So much for blending in.

Lastly, if anyone knows what time I start work tomorrow - please let me know.

On and On

If anyone wants to hear a great band then I'd recommend you check out Cowpuncher.  Just try and keep your feet still while listening to 'It's time to Wake Up.'  I had the good fortune to work with two of the band memebers at CCH.  I wish them the best.

It's Time To Wake Up

Here are some snippets of conversations I heard while downtown on Friday night:

...She was leaking shit from her ass...

...when you were picking up that guy...

...drinking that bag of blood....

...she was so fat she was like 5 Chucks

I was also able to catch a whole conversation:

"You look like that guy from 'Superbad'!"

"Who McLovin'?"

"No, that other guy, the one from Brampton, you were also in Arrested Development and Nick and Norah's Tape Player"

"Oh, yeah, I was also in Holes"

Well all know that Michael Cera wasn't in Holes, and for the record, the guy looked nothing like Michael Cera

The streetcar was full of really drunk girls, one of who spent part of the ride puking on the floor.  Another spent the entire ride resting her head in her friend's lap.  She was so drunk that she couldn't pull herself together to get off at the right stop, much to the annoyance of her friends.

Fun night.

GR8

The advent of texting, and its shorted form of common words, has a lot of people worried about the ability of today's youth to write properly.  Teachers lament the missing 'wh' from the word 'y,' feminists struggle to remind today's young women that there is an 'I' in 'grl,' and those receiving accolades may feel a little slighted when all they receive is a shortened 'gratz'.  However, there is hope for future.  Few would argue that youth will often rebel against their parents and others in positions of authority.  As such when today's youth become parents, we may start seeing their children writing words with extra letters as a form of rebellion.  For example, the name Alex in the future may look like 'Ahleghx.'   Common words like 'new' will start with a silent 'p' (pnew), and nice will start with a k and have an extra 'y' (kniyce).  In fact, it wouldn't be surprising to see new letters being used silently.  The letter 'x', for instance, may be subtly added to words to make them a little longer.  A text message from the future may read like this "Mothering, Ih am xenjoying maiy stuhdies at puniverghsity."  

From Norbert Ispin's "A look at the World of Tomorrow, Today"

I'm a sack person - deal with it

A few more things:

1) I didn't go to the dentist for almost ten years ( I finally went to one last year). However, due to good oral hygiene I had no cavities, no major tarter build up and no other issues

2) I do a lot of singing. I had thought I kept this habit mostly to myself (or at least confined within my home) but an acquaintance recently mentioned that I was always singing. This was both surprising and a little embarrassing

3) When I was a little boy I jumped into a fountain at a mall and started swimming. It happened during a cold snap and as such I was bundled up in a snow suit. My mom had to buy me new clothes as it was too cold outside, and I was too wet, to make it home without freezing. We didn't have a lot of money and I'm pretty sure my mom didn't end up buying whatever she went to get

4) Like many young boys I really wanted to learn karate after seeing 'The Karate Kid.' Hours before my first judo lesson (karate wasn't offered), I ended up badly breaking my leg when my friends and I were practicing our 'karate' moves. As such, my martial arts career ended before it even began

5) The ER doctor didn't set my leg properly before putting the cast on and months later the doctors had to straighten it out. They were looking at two options i) rebreak it and then reset it ii) drive a wedge into my cast and bend the mending bone back into shape. They chose the latter option and it stands out as one of the most painful experiences in my life (this happened when I was in grade 5)

6) I like to believe that I have super human healing powers, a super immune system and that I'm fairly resilient to getting hurt. I really don't bruise easily and I rarely get sick. Point 4 may seem to contradict this but I believe it may have happened to let me know that I'm not invincible (but close)

7) I'm quite clumsy

8) I'm fairly cynical about a lot things, but not all things

9) I generally dislike wearing jackets. It's been 4 years (and counting) since I last put on a rain jacket

10) I don't think I've ever used an umbrella

11) If I were a comic book villain, my alter ego may be 'the Over-Reactor.' You know how it goes: mild-mannered guy by day who sometimes overreacts to banal pieces of information.

12) I taught myself how to juggle but can't figure out how to do more than three balls

13) I've attended 6 post-secondary institutions

14) Capital M recently called me 'the Cinnamon King.' She only called me it once but it's pretty fitting; I use a lot of cinnamon. I went on a special shopping trip for ceylon cinnamon and ended up buying some saigon cinnamon as well. For those who don't know- ceylon cinnamon is true cinnamon and it's totally different from what is sold at regular grocery stores

killer life

I'm stealing this idea from Facebook (which I still haven't joined). 

25 things about me (well, 5 anyway)

1. I like saying the word 'liquor.'  This started in high school and never really stopped.  It's also strange since I'm not much of a drinker

2. I'm terrible at keeping in touch

3. I was ahead of e-mail's popularity by about one year.  E-mail accounts weren't given out at the college I attended and in desperation to e-mail I would use random computers in the library, open 'Outlook Express,' and send off e-mails.  Sometimes the messages made it through and sometimes they didn't.  What's more,  no one could e-mail me back.

4. I play video games  

5. I am a cereal junkie.  My favourites are 'mini wheats' (cinnamon streusel), 'oatmeal crisp' and 'life.'  I try to only eat the semi-unhealthy breakfast cereals but have been known to buy 'Fruit Loops' and 'Corn Pops,' etc. when they're on sale.

best of me

On second thought, it should be called 'fruit and vegetable spread.'  This is in reference to my idea on how to market strawberry and rhubarb jam.  'Spread' makes its sound less sugary then jam.  

So, yes, I am still unemployed but I'm not worried.  I have absolutely no regrets in leaving my previous job and have applied for some interesting positions.  I am however trying to think of some daily 'unemployment challenges.'  For example: drinking 1 and 1/3 cups of water every hour on the hour between 9:00 A.M. and 5:00P.M.  Or, trying to see how long I can drag out a conversation with the numerous telemarketing/ collection agencies (they keep calling for the previous owner of our current phone number).  I am also looking for children's story publishers; I wrote a story and waver between being too cowardly to send it off and curious to see if it could get published (or at the very least, curious to see a rejection letter).  Maybe that, and the water, will be tomorrow's challenge.  

oxford comma

I went for an interview this past Friday for a position with the University of Toronto.  It wasn't the worst interview (I wasn't asked to sing, and no part of the conversation was conducted in French) but I never felt like I really connected with the interviewers.  It was the first (and hopefully last) interview I've experienced where I was told to make a presentation.  A few days prior to the meeting I was given a scenario by an HR person; she also said that I would have access to AV equipment, PowerPoint and a laptop.  Whether I presented the 'right' information remains a mystery but I guess it was good experience.  I have the feeling that any candidate who didn't use PowerPoint would be automatically out of the running.  It will be about a month before they get back to me with a decision.

I've been thinking of how to remarket certain products, here's one:

Strawberry/Rhubarb jam could be sold as 'Fruit and Vegetable' jam.  Any child who loves pie, but hates vegetables, could eat this delicious combination and get a full serving of fruit and vegetables (in about 1 cup of jam). 

Alright.  I'll be back tomorrow.

Episode IV: A new hope

Well it's done:

Jan. 19, 2009

Attention Supervisor:
With this letter I wish to inform you that I will be resigning from my position with ABC as Centre Manager of the Mississauga office as of Friday, Jan. 31, 2009. I have learned a lot during my time with ABC and I will always be grateful to have had this opportunity. Allow me to express my best wishes for the company and yourself.

Sincerely,

Jesse V

I don't know what's going to happen in the near future but I've decided to be cautiously optimistic. Also, I would like to thank Capital M for a) putting up with my numerous complaints about my job and b) being supportive about taking this leap of faith.

kick this city

This year I’ve made a few resolutions. In no particular order they are:

• Stop saying “I can’t believe it’s already (insert month)”. The only exception to this is if I fall asleep one night and wake up several months later
• Not sleeping for several months at a time

Alright so I haven't made a lot of resolutions but I should be able to follow through on the ones listed (hopefully).

I had planned on giving my notice last Monday (my plan to start the New Year off right) but here I am a week later. However, I am hoping that this Friday afternoon I will call my suspervisor and tender my resignation. Do I have back-up job? No. Do I have a healthy savings account to see me through some lean times? No. Is the country facing high unemployment and limited job prospects? Yes. Conventional wisdom would say that I should hang on to my job but I've never been one for convention. Or at least I'd like to think so. I guess I'll prove whether I am or not this Friday.

Scariest night of the year goes to - last night

I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard a strange and unidentifiable sound. At first I thought it was one of the cats wanting in the bathroom, as they are both obsessed with being in the tub when it's wet. However, when I opened the door there was no cat and the strange sound persisted. I soon realized that it was coming from the downstairs neighbour. At best the sound could only be described as a desperate wheezing. Capital M opened the door and saw our neighbour stumbling up the stairs. She managed to say "can't breathe" in between her laboured and terrifying attempts at breathing. I stood for a split second unsure of what to do. Part of me really wanted to be wearing more than just a towel; the other part knew I had to do something. I dialed 911 while M tried to assist our neighbour (I don't deny for a second that I had the easier job). Fortunately, our neighbour's breathing improved dramatically while I was speaking to the 911 operator. In the end no outside assistance was required. Our neighbour had no explanation for what happened; only that it sometimes does. She was also not inclined to stick around after she caught her breath. I was relieved then, when I heard her leaving for work in the morning.

sage advise?

I annoy myself daily by reading the advise column of the Toronto Star. Why? I really don't know. I don't care much for the columnist; I find her advise either too simple or off the mark. However, I'm sure giving advise isn't easy (though it is easier than taking it) and I thought I'd see if I could do any better. The following question is taken from her column.



Q: I'm 32 and have been dating a girl, 22, for more than two years. She recently initiated a three-month breakup, which I understood as we'd had some bad times, though more were good.
She later reached out to get back together. At our first meeting, we cleared up a lot and our feelings are the same if not stronger. But her parents are against our getting back together – they even bought her a puppy to forget about me. There was never a parent issue before.
This new-found hatred of me has been tearing us both up – with their constant negative input and criticism. She still lives at home, and is in depression over this, rude and resentful toward me because of the way her parents are treating her.
I'm torn between loving her and leaving her, to end the stress.



A: There is an inconsistency in your letter. You claim your feelings towards each other are stronger now but at the same time your girlfriend is both 'rude and resentful' toward you. You can't put this solely on her parents. If anything, the parents are something of a misdirection - a way for you both to try and ignore what's really happening. You already broke up once and it's entirely possible that your girlfriend is grappling with wanting the familiarity of your relationship and wanting to have new life experiences. Either way, her parents' treatment of her shouldn't result in her resenting you. My advice would be to part on the good terms you recently re-established.

Whew, that is tough. But I still don't like the columnist.

It snowed last night

Norbert Ispin posits that we all need a mystery to solve. From the big - why are we here? The in between - the peculiarities of Edgar Allan Poe's death, for example, and the small (see picture above). The Lakeshore Village Bakery opened in the spring of this year. I had always intended to go as I'm fond of bakeries and the goods found therein. However, I may have missed my chance. A few months after offering the goods noted in its window, the bakery stopped being open. This isn't to say that it went out of business. There has never been a lease or rent sign posted in the window by the building owners. The homemade breads and buns on display have never been removed and are in fact looking quite sun bleached (I tried to get a picture but it didn't turn out). Truly, the interior of the bakery looks as though the owners closed up for the night and had every intention of coming back the next day.

So here's the mystery - what happened to the owners? You may notice the sign on the window that reads "bakery for rent." It looks like it was written quickly by hand on construction paper and its appearance doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Would I wish to take over a store that has been mysteriously abandoned on the merits of a chintzy rent sign? No, I would not.

I can only assume that the bakery owners are still paying rent on the store space but why then are they not manning the store? Hopefully one day I'll find out.

And that's today's small scale mystery.

I saved this just for you

T. Gibbons writes:  Jesse V, sometimes your posts are a little negative (i.e. ‘I hate my job,’ ‘I missed camp’ etc).  How about something more upbeat?

Great timing Gibbs, here’s a post that’s sure to please.  Yesterday was my birthday; I think that out of all 32 I’ve experienced, this one belongs in the top ten (though to be totally honest I don’t remember several of the lower, single digit birthdays).   To celebrate the day Capital M took me to see ‘We Will Rock You’ a musical featuring the songs of Queen.  The performances were full of energy, the songs were great and I totally enjoyed the show.  But that’s not all.  There was dinner followed by ice cream cake (this alone would have made for a great day) and presents. 

The day reminded me of a scene from ‘Endless Summer 2,’ one of the surfers, Patrick O’Connell, catches a wave and exclaims ‘that was the best wave ever!’ only to repeat the same thing every time he caught one.  My day was full of great waves – thanks M.

Ms Temper - she's just a baby man

Who knew that there would be lowbrow espionage in my job? I've had two phone calls in the past week from people that I suspect were trying to ferret information about my place of employment and the programs it offers. I was on to the first caller but, to my ever-lasting shame, I was duped by the other. There’s a lot of money to made by retraining injured workers and I have been told that my own supervisor frequently monitors competitors’ websites to see what they’re offering and how the programs are being delivered. This has led to me being signed up for an online Dispatch training program and I can only shudder at the thought of whatever else may be in my future.
I think at the very least these spy tactics should have an element of danger, maybe a femme fatale and a few cool gadgets.

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And now back to your regularly scheduled blog

In other news I recently bought a Venus Fly Trap. This will actually be my third attempt at growing one. So far I think I’ve been doing things right. I’ve been giving it distilled water, I fed it a bug that was hanging out on the wall far too close to where I sleep (I am concerned about bad karma and hope that the VFT starts catching fruit flies on its own), and it’s in a place that gets direct sunlight and then indirect sunlight. Capital M expressed her concerns regarding my metal health in the event of the plant not making it. These plants aren’t easy to grow and I took it to heart when the other two gave up the ghost. Hopefully the third time’s the charm.

won't be the same

An earlier version of today’s post sounded a little too assholey so I’ve decided to change gears and go with an earlier idea.
A few days ago I was walking to the bus and saw something that was pretty disgusting. On the sidewalk in front of me were the contents of someone’s stomach. Seeing puke is never a pleasant sight first thing in the morning but that wasn’t the grossest part. The honour went to the pigeon that was busy eating up the pasty little bits speckling the sidewalk. Blah, the thought of it makes my stomach a little queasy. So why, you may wonder, am I telling you this? While I continued walking I started thinking – that’s pretty gross but I’ve seen grosser.

Cue flashback music.

The summer of 1999 was a tough one. For reasons that no longer hold-up I had chosen to go home rather than return to Camp Chief Hector. Compounded with my missing camp was the fact that none of my friends from high school were around, there was also plenty of family drama, and people a lot younger than me kept telling me about partying with my mom (this is also an unpleasant thought but not the focus of this post). However, more than anything else it was my second job that ended up indelibly etched in my memory. That summer I was one of the few, the proud, and the thoroughly disgusted, I was a campground cleaner.

I can clearly remember one of my co-workers silently crying after finishing her first day on the job. The tears were warranted, as no one really deserves to see what we saw on a daily basis. We had to clean both outhouses and bathrooms with plumbing, among other things. Unfortunately, running water didn’t really make much of a difference. People on a camping holiday seemed to forget the basics of acting like human beings. For example, it was common to have to scrub away finger paintings, usually done with whatever was on-hand (pun definitely intended). Sometimes the paintings were quite intricate. Tour groups would usually abuse the outhouses they happened to stop at. It was common to encounter a ‘Mt. Shitmore’ (as my co-workers called it). This was formed in one of two ways 1) people would start going on the floor and build up from there 2) it was a naturally occurring phenomena that happened when the output exceeded the containment space.
I feel as though I’m crossing the line of poor taste so maybe I’ll stop with the descriptions. How about a reader poll – does anyone have a gross memory they’d like to share?

that's not my name

For all those who were wondering – the publishing company I wrote to did get back to me. Here’s their response:

Hello Jessie,
Editorial appreciates your feedback and will take your comments into consideration as part of our Error Correction process

Wow, thanks. The misspelling of my first name is also a nice touch. It’s not like my name didn’t appear in the ‘from’ section of the e-mail and at the end of my brief letter.
Others may be wondering if I’ve heard back from the school and the answer is no. There are two possible reasons for this: 1) The school board insisted the school pick someone already on the ‘hire’ list. 2) This one is entirely on me, but justifiable – I’m not yet licensed to teach in Ontario. The reason is simple enough – I’ve never made it on the eligible to hire list. There was no point in shelling out money for a teaching licence if I wasn't going to be teaching. It’s true that an equally convincing argument could be made that I should have applied regardless. So, in the spirit of fairness I’ve decided to conduct a random poll of people on the street and get their reactions. Here’s what some had to say:

Darshan S. – Well, it makes sense that if he knew in April that he wasn’t going to be hired for the rest of the year than there wasn’t much reason to get the licence

Samantha H. – Seriously! He didn’t get his licence? Does he not want to be a teacher?

Tobby L. – Who?

Linda M. – Hmmm, that’s like a chicken and the egg question – what comes first the job or the licence?

Tobby L. – No seriously, who?

Carol B. – He doesn’t live with his parents does he? No, is he single?

Oleksandr K. – this response had to be censored to fit the blog’s mostly PG-13 rating.

Tobby L. – Do I know him?

So, am I a man of principal or a self-saboteur? Probably a bit of both. However, I'm not unconvinced that reason #1 hasn't had some bearing on all this.
The search for new, and better, employment continues.

she's sitting on the beach

It's been a strange week. Last Tuesday I came home to find a message on the answering machine from a woman I'd never heard of asking me to fax my resume to the name of a school that I couldn't quite make out. I had to google the fax number in order to find out where the woman was calling from. My confusion didn't let up when it turned out the school was part of the Toronto District School Board.

A brief side note: The TDSB accepts applications starting on Jan. 2 of every year. They then determine who they're going to interview for the 'eligible to hire' list by March or April. If a teacher isn't on the 'eligible to hire' list they can't teach or even substitute for any school within the TDSB. Consequently, applicants (such as myself) who didn't hear anything back from the TDSB after April know that they will have to wait until next January to try again.

At first I thought there must have been a clerical error. Interviews with individual schools only come after being granted a coveted position on 'the list.' I'm not on the list. If I were a robot, this conundrum would have caused my head to explode. Regardless, I sent in my resume and was subsequently asked to come in for an interview on Thursday.

Another side note: The school is in Scarborough. I don't live anywhere near Scarborough. Capital M however works just down the street from the school.

The interview went well.  This was largely due to my interviewers not knowing I was waiting for them and thereby giving me more time to prepare.  When I arrived at the school I was handed a copy of the interview questions.  If I hadn't been given the questions before the interview I don't think I would have answered some of them very well.  

When I returned home there was another message from the school.  They wanted me to go back on Friday to do another interview.  This interview would be for the TDSB's 'eligible to hire list.'  So back I went (calling in sick yet another day).  Once again luck was on my side as I was given a copy of the interview questions before the meeting.  Only this time it turned out that I wasn't actually supposed to get them and they were taken back a few minutes later.  However, I had already read through all the questions.  That interview also went well, thanks in part to a mistake.

So where does this leave me?  There is a possibility I could be hired for the rest of this calender year to teach high school English and Social Studies.  It is still entirely possible that this won't work out but regardless of whether it does, or doesn't, this has to be the strangest job process I've ever experienced.

rebirth of slick

Because I care, I sent a letter of complaint to a publisher. Here's the letter:

To Whom it may concern:
My place of employment uses the More Reading Comprehension in Varied Subject Matter series. I was reading through selection 16, 'Annabel Lee' by Edgar Allen Poe in MRCVSM: book 1 and was very surprised by what I saw. The series author, Jane Ervin, treats this poem as though Poe was recounting a personal experience. In almost every question she refers to ‘the poet’ instead of ‘the narrator.’ Those two words are not synonymous. Here's an example of a question:
True or False
(a) The poet fell in love with Annabel Lee long before he wrote the poem
(b) The poet and Annabel lived on an island
As an English teacher, I always stress to my students that authors are not always the narrators of their works. Quite frankly, I’m surprised that your resource doesn’t make this distinction – it makes me question the integrity and academic scholarship of the series author. I hope that future editions will correct this glaring oversight.

Thanks,
Jesse V.
------------------

Alright, so I'm not an English teacher, but if I were I would remind my students of the aforementioned distinction. As well, the true or false questions aren't meant to be a trick and answered all false. Stay tuned for the publisher's response.

Lastly, I'm thinking that maybe a masters in library science is the way forward for me.

the street where you still live

I know I'm not supposed to laugh at the misfortune of others but today I just couldn't help it. Part of the course requirement for 'students' doing a vocational training program is that they work through a WHMIS CD. The information is presented in a confusing manner and narrated by a cranky, yet very boring, grandmotherly voice. There isn't much I can do for the poor souls who have to sit through that terrible CD beyond clearing up how to navigate its contents. At first most people are kind of keen but it doesn't take long before I start to hear sighs. This is usally followed by questions like: 'how long is this?' and then another even bigger sigh when I tell them they're on section one of five. In the background, the narrator's voice continues to drone on. I'm not sure if it's the voice, or the students' reactions or both that are starting to make me burst out laughing. Generally speaking, there is nothing funny about my job. Most people don't hear me laugh but today I couldn't stop.

Reason #43 why I need a new job: I am going insane

pork and beans

Capital M and I went and saw Weezer on Tuesday night. All said, I thought the concert rocked (with the exception of the drunken oaf seated next to us who tried his best to ruin the experience). I could write a concert review but I found one that says pretty much what I would have.

Weezer Review - Air Canada Centre Sept. 30, 2008
Josie C.
Staff writer for Underfunded Publications

In case anyone is unfamiliar with Weezer's older works prior to their self-titled Red Album, I feel that it is my responsibility to inform you that I bought their first album on a cassette tape. Tonight's concert at the Air Canada Centre brought out the best offerings of the band's lengthy history, from 'Say it Ain't so' to 'The Greatest Man that Ever Lived.' Surprisingly, Rivers Cuomo, the band's front man, frequently let his other band mates take the spotlight and supply the lead vocals. I was somewhat disappointed that Cuomo didn't sing 'Perfect Situation.' It's one of my favourite songs from the Make Believe album and it just didn't feel the same without Cuomo.
At one point the band brought out some instrument playing uber-fans and they were given a chance to perform along to 'Island In The Sun' and 'Beverly Hills.' During 'Beverly Hills' I was reminded of the SNL sketch with Christopher Walker requesting 'more cowbell.' Yes, that's right, there was a cowbell solo during 'Beverly Hills.'
I give this performance 7 cowbells out of 8.

Some racing, some stopping

Here’s an excerpt from a recent conversation I had at work:

JV (to ‘student’ B): It’s important to always remember that many companies monitor internet activity and in some cases, e-mail use.

‘Student’ A: Yeah, like this one time I was using the computer at work and they froze it on me. I don’t remember what I typed in, but all this porn started popping up on the computer. I tried to close it but more kept popping up. Then the computer locked up with a message saying that it was frozen due to inappropriate usage. Then I had to call my supervisor and tell her that we had a problem.
-----------------
It should be noted that ‘student’ A is different from the other guy I mentioned before, and different still from the guy I had to ask to stop looking at porn on the ‘school’ computer. As well, ‘student A’ didn’t normally use a computer at work; he must have a made a special trip. What I don’t understand about these stories is why people feel safer telling only half the story, yet the story is still incriminating. ‘Student’ A might not remember exactly what part of the human anatomy he searched for, but I’d say chances were good that his query brought up exactly what he was hoping to find.
Reason # 178 why I need a new job: pervasive, yet incomplete, porno stories.

whatever bubbles, bubbles up

Norbert Ispin encourages finding the humour in any situation. I’m not sure if this is so much funny as gross but maybe someone will find it amusing:

One of the ‘students’ I work with is rather malodorous. His scent is so strong that it lingers for hours after his departure. In fact, the room he occupies now permanently smells like the den of a wild, and very gamy animal. I wouldn’t say that I have become accustomed to the smell, far from it. But I do at least know what to expect and I also know that the smell’s intensity varies from ‘take your breath away’ to ‘this has got to be a biological weapon experiment.’
Unfortunately, a new ‘student’ at the school is struggling with the transition to this eye-watering/ stomach-churning situation. She finds the smell is giving her headaches and she has taken to eating her lunch outside to avoid her food being tainted. The worst thing is that there’s nothing I can do. The whole centre kind of stinks and the air just doesn’t circulate all that much.

Maybe one day I'll find this funny (the woman's reaction is kind of funny) but for now I’ll call this ‘Reason #216’ for why I need a new job.

big, bad ghoul

No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't stop a native-English speaker from referring to a tsunami as a 'su-sammy.' He did say it right once and then expressed complete bafflement when he saw the word again. Being that he was reading a passage about tsanamis, he was pretty confused.
I wonder what a su-sammy would look like?

take only what you need

One of the people I work with is preparing to write a GED test. Seeing the material he’s working through has made me realize how much I forgot, and how much I never really learned in high school. He’s given me a bit of time to relearn how to work with quadratic equations so I can help him understand what they're all about. At this point all I can really remember is that they come out as parabolas when graphed.
I’ve never liked math, and I’m pretty sure it never liked me. We fought each other for years – real grudge matches that scarred us both. Sometimes I gave it an unexpected KO but more often than not it sent me spiralling to the floor.
I think what I most dislike about math is the logic.

Here’s my kind of math question:

You can buy three bags of flour for $9.82. One of the bags of flour says ‘handle with care.’ Another offers first aid directions for 1/5 of its contents and the last bag claims to have a times two field multiplier.
Sally has three brothers, and two sisters, both of whom have Coeliac Disease. Her parents are bitterly divorced and have remarried. She spends ½ the week with her mother, and ¼ of the week with her father.
While shopping, Sally notices the sale on flour. How much flour will she need to buy for the time spent with her mother, and her father?

The answer, of course, is none. The parent’s lack of communication has resulted in not noticing their daughter is missing for part of the week. What’s more, none of the bags of flour sound particularly safe. The bag with a times two field multiplier would probably be deadly for the sisters with Coeliac Disease. Why would something edible need first aid directions for 1/5 of its contents and lastly, most flour needs (pun intended)to be handled, so handling with care just doesn’t add up.

that dull thud you've gotten used to

Ispin says that "regrets should keep us from making the same mistake twice, but they should never hold us back." With this in mind I've been trying to determine what's been holding me back, and how I can move past it. #1 on that list would probably be the Master's degree I started in 2001 but never finished. As a form of self flagellation, I never took myself off the e-mail list serve. Consequently, I still get almost daily messages regarding guest lecturers and thesis defences. That's probably not healthy, so I have requested to be removed from the list.

As well, I sent a professor from the program an e-mail:

Professor X, I was student of yours, taking IDS 001 in 2001. You may not remember me but I will always remember you. During my last class with you I had asked a question that prompted you to go on a 25 minute rant. At one point during your speech you said that we could have a conference and invite the foremost thinkers in the field of IDS and at no point during that conference would anyone ask the question I had just posed. I dropped your class that same day. I did not enjoy being ridiculed by you for 25 minutes. Moreover, there is no excuse for such derisive treatment. You may be well respected in your field but that doesn't give you the right to treat people the way you treated me. Ultimately what I would like is an apology. And, I would like to remind you that as an educator your actions can have far reaching consequences. You can take heart in knowing some good came out of my experience with you. I will use you as model for how not to act as an educator.
-----------------------

It was at this point that I accidently hit send instead of save. Maybe it wasn't an accident. I had to send another e-mail with my name on it so the professor could at least know who his attacker was. His response back was not at all what I expected. It was a sincere apology.

For some reason I fell apart in the Masters program. It has weighed heavily on me for years but no more. I've been thinking that I would actually like to teach in a post secondary institution. I've been thinking a lot of things but I'm not ruling this one out.

heaven restores you in life

Not long ago I stumbled across Creative Fusion: 9 Steps to Reshaping Your Life by Norbert Ispin. I’m not normally one for self help books – they all seem to repackage the same information, and I think they're a waste of time. However, this book was in the bargain bin and my life is in need of a little restructuring. As well, I liked the quick preview of Ispin’s view of the world on the book's jacket. I may be violating several copy write laws but here’s an excerpt:

Humanity is caught in a lonely trap of its own making. On one hand we scour the far reaches of space, hoping that we will come across something that proves we are not the only sentient beings beyond earth. On the other, we explore the smallest particles of our planet, hoping to unlock the mystery of our existence. Neither pursuit has provided us with the answer of why we are here, nor do they make us feel any less alone.

We see these same ideas reflected in religion. Depending on you what you believe, you may either look out to heavens or into yourself. Religion is, of course, far more complex than this but I am using brevity to help make a parallel. Regardless of whether someone has faith, or believes in evolution, or something in-between, we are all searching for meaning. Without it, we feel alone and the loneliness spurns the search and the cycle repeats again.

I haven’t read much yet but I’m interested in how Ispin believes people can find meaning and reshape their lives. Of particular interest is his first step in which he says “infuse your world with life where you need it. Create that which is important to you, whether it's something tangible or exists only in the ether of human consciousness."

Go Ispin - you tell 'em.

I'm just sitting on the shelf

I recently came across The Nine Lives of Charlotte Taylor in a bookstore. Capital M didn’t share my indignation at the title, nor did she agree with me that the author had blatantly copied my idea. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I explained the idea of the book to her. And, I know that I really haven't made an effort to maintain the theme of my blog's title. However, there's no denying a certain similarity between our works - that's poor form Armstrong, poor form indeed!

It's me, I'm back again.

When we last left Jesse V. aka ‘the naturewitch’ he felt confident that he would find a new job, a better job, by August ’08. However, it’s now the middle of September and we find Jesse still at his old place of employment. Let’s go now and try to unearth the reasons for this troubling situation.

Investigative Team: Jesse, what happened? Why are you still working at a job you can’t stand? Are you not living in a city of millions, surely there have been better opportunities.

Jesse V: Maybe we can talk about this when I’m not at work.

IT: But the people want to know. What’s been happening in your life and are you leaving your job soon?

JV: I may be forced to leave my job if you don’t quit asking me these questions while I'm working.

IT: (laughs) Well said old boy, well said. Rumours have been circulating that you referred to your Bachelor of Education as a ‘Bachelor of Unemployment,’ is there any truth to this?

JV: (Chuckling) ahh yes, I have said that on a few occasions.

IT: So no luck with the school boards then, but what about other jobs. Surly you’ve applied at other places – any luck there?

JV: If by luck you mean unmitigated failure, then yeah I’ve had a lot of ‘luck.’

IT: How intriguing. Do you find it paradoxical that your current job requires you to have a B.Ed, or even more absurdly, a master’s degree?

JV: Yes, yes I do.

IT: Is it also true that you stopped updating your blog on account of your job dissatisfaction?

JV: It's complicated.

IT: Well maybe your blog can now outline your quest to find your purpose in life, or at the very least a better job. Maybe your blog could focus on life #9?

JV: Maybe...

asleep on the balcony after class

There have been very few books that elicited some form of verbal outburst from me. Captain Corelli's Mandolin is the only book that made me cry, I shouted out "You fool!" while reading The Meaning of Night, and most recently I said "Whoa!" not once but twice while reading Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl.
Obviously, I'm going to highly recommend this book. But, and this is a big BUT – don't read it on your own. If you're going to read it, and I suggest you do, make sure a friend, loved one, bus buddy, or neighbour down the hall is reading it as well. Why? By the time you round third base and head for home, you're going to want someone to talk to, someone who is right where you are and says "It made me say "whoa!" out loud!" to which you'll reply "me too!"
Otherwise you'll end up like me, imploring a loved one to stop reading her current book and immediately start Special Topics in Calamity Physics. The problem of course, will be that the loved one may not want to stop reading the current book (even if it looks wholly uninteresting), and even if he or she did, they wouldn't read the 500 page novel fast enough.
I would like to go into detail about this story but to do so would ruin a wonderful reading experience. I can say that Pessl is more than likely in the top percentile of Mensa; at the very least she is a literary genius.
Oh, the voice of Moderation has just stopped by:
"You're gushing."
That's true. I'll tone it down. Pessl's story is full of literary references and enough literary devices to keep an English University course occupied for a semester – even the chapter titles are names of famous literary works that cast light on the upcoming content (Othello for the chapter describing the romance between the protagonist's father and mother). Some of the reviews I've read thought there were too many allusions but I'd have to disagree. The protagonist, Blue van Meer, has had her life shaped by two things: her father and books. It would follow then that those two elements dominate her story.
If the book has a shortcoming it's a lack of likable characters. There is a reason for this (though it's not immediately obvious). Blue's father is always interesting, and Blue comes into her own eventually, but I found my interest waning at one point when I wished both she and her friends could be a little nicer. However, I would advise anyone feeling the same way to keep reading because, well, you'll just have to read it to find out.
Bottom line – start a book club and read this book. Avoid having to discuss the story in your head, to yourself, like me. Or sneaking a look at other book reviews from work. Or writing this at...
"You're saying too much."
That's true.

A brief note

This is just a quick shout out to Hamesy:
Happy Pi day!
May you always be able to solve the radius of any circle.

Ash and Koga

Recently I've been doing a lot of:
1) Makin' bread
2) Eatin' raisins
The above visual aid should clear up any questions. The careful observer will also notice the corner of the book I've been slowly reading as well. Why slowly you ask? My punishing commute to work has come to an end as I asked for, and received, a transfer to a closer office. It's still the same job but without a wacko co-worker and a man who probably holds the title for being a left hand mouse using, porno viewing champ.

you'll fall by my hand

It's fairly common to encounter a delay on the subway, either going to or coming home from work. Medical emergencies, power outages, and most recently, a train derailing are but some of the reasons for these delightful occurrences. During one such delay a woman asked in a very loud voice "am I driving the train?" There was an instant lull in the irritable chatter followed by an almost audible collective thought 'are we stopped because there's no driver?'
The woman asked again, with more uncertainty and a hint of fear, "Am I supposed to be driving the train right now?" This time people had a chance to locate her face amongst the crowd. She was clearly not employed the transit commission and wore an expression of someone who was immensely confused. "God I hope not," came the collective thought.
She then started laughing a little. Not the laugh of a sane person, or even the insane laugh of a villain bent on world domination/destruction. It was a laugh of relief. She didn't really want to drive the train and when she figured out that she didn't have to her tension was relieved by laughter.
Unsurprisingly, no one else joined in in this merry discovery.

There are 12 cylon models

The only reason why I'm still in my home and not out renting Season Two of Battlestar Galactica is that I just spent the past four hours watching the the last five episodes of the first season. I know that I'd probably pull another BSG marathon if given the chance -so it's best I keep the temptation away...

Hodge Podge

I work with a man who is 59 years old. Unlike most of the people I deal with, this guy is fairly computer literate. I do wish however, that he would stop telling me his computer stories - I have a pretty good idea of what he's been looking at but I'll let you draw your own conclusions:

• When ever anyone tells me they have multiple virus detection programs on their computer I get a little suspicious - he has three
• He told me he spent most of his entire 2 week Christmas vacation just searching on the net. Every time he takes me on this trip down memory lane the subject of his search changes. First he couldn't remember, than it was something to do with radios and most recently it was how to alter an online casino program. The story always ends the same - his computer picked up a nasty virus
• Recently he told me, and I wish he hadn't, that he set up his computer so he could do everything with his left hand, leaving his right hand free

Stop telling me these things!

Here's a little segment called "Lessons learned:"

It turns out that there is a difference between traditional bread yeast and yeast for bread machines. It's not just the difference in size and shape, though that would probably be enough for most people to decide not use traditional yeast in a bread machine. If however anyone is curious as to what happens in the above scenario, the answer is nothing. The little balls of yeast do not dissolve and as such, the bread does not rise. But wait, there's more. The little yeast balls can be seen in the bread dough, and presumably, in the cooked product. Mmm Mmm. Stay tuned for more easily avoided mistakes in the next installment of "lessons learned"

Movie Review: Brick

I'm borrowing a page from the book of Jobes, whose film reviews are dearly missed. I recently watched Brick, a film directed by Rian Johnson. After watching the very unsatisfying ending of Veronica Mars I was hoping for something a little more conclusive. Brick is the story of a high school loner trying to solve the mystery of his ex-girlfriend's death. All in all, I liked the movie and really enjoyed the noir elements - the morally ambiguous protagonist, the girl in trouble, the girl who can't be trusted and the underlying tension of the story. However, I would warn any would be renters of this film. The protagonist talks as though he grew up in a world created by Dashiell Hammett, yet the film is set in a modern day high school. This is a little off-putting at first, and at times hard to understand. Where the movie shines though is in watching the main character lose himself in his investigation. I give this film 4 Maltese falcons out of 5.

Random thought of the day: Adults who are only children have children later in life. I'm not sure if I qualify as the voice of all only children out there, but it feels like it could be true.

-Private to Butterfly girl - Thanks, as always, for your comments. I hope you enjoy whatever books you end up with. I've tried sending you an e-mail in an effort to learn more about a life lived 12 degrees north of the equator. I hope all is going well.

book review part 2

There have been so many people violently asking what other books I read in 2007 that I decided I better respond before a riot breaks out.

Blood Letting and Other Cures by Vincent Lam

I don't tend to read a lot of short stories. Most of the ones I've read have been for school and those always required an in depth analysis. However, reading BLOC was like watching a season of Grey's Anatomy (when it was good). It also reminded me that I like short stories and should read them more often.

The Geographer's Library by Jon Fasman

For the most part I enjoyed this book. There are some pretty scathing reviews on amazon.ca but I'm not sure the readers actually read the book, or they missed something while doing so. My problem came when I reached the dedication at the end of the book and was more moved by the single sentence he wrote about his wife than anything in the hundreds of pages preceding it.

Stardust - Neil Gaiman

A good old fashioned fairy tale written by a contemporary author. Capital M pointed out that he made up his own rules and I'd have to agree. That doesn't stop the story from being a good one. Rock on Gaiman, rock on.

The Girls - Laurie Lansing

A novel about conjoined twins. I only point this out because Lansing truly does a great job of telling a story about two very different women who, unsurprisingly, know almost everything about one another. But, it's in what they don't know one another that I often found the most interesting.

The Road - Cormac McCarthy

If there is an equation for minimum words = maximum depressing scene, then McCarthy has both found and mastered it. Parts of this book still haunt me and regardless of the 'fire' I found this story pretty bleak. However, I would recommend this book, just make sure you're in a 'good place' before you do.

The Thirteenth Tale by Dian Setterfield

After reading The Meaning of Night I needed a little more Victorian Style mystery. Capital M is currently reading the book so I don't want to say too much about it but I did enjoy it, though I found the narrator hard to like. Fortunately, she's not in it much.

Soon I Will be Invincible - Austin Grossman

It's hard to pick a favourite book of 2007 but this one would definitely be in the top three. Dr. Impossible may just be the best super villain ever. This book isn't just for guys who grew reading comic books, it's for anyone who ever felt bullied, misunderstood or questioned the line between good and evil. Yes, these themes are all in the book and so much more (including cyborgs and plans to take over the world). Highly recommended.

Bel Canto - Anne Patchett

I'm no doctor but I'd prescribe this for anyone who feels jaded, just broke up or likes stories permeated with love. I don't mean this derisively. The is a story meant to be read with music playing in the background and sunlight streaming though the windows (if it's cold out). There's a lightness to Patchett's story that elevates it to an almost fairytale quality. I'd like to say more but I'm afraid of giving something away. Highly recommended.

The Kite Runner by

I would truly enjoy teaching this book to a grade 10 English class. Hear me Toronto District School Board. I liked this book and would feel comfortable helping grade 10 students analyze it, so please at least interview me this year.

The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubanfeld

I actually just finished reading this one today, but I started it before Christmas. I think I have discovered that I really enjoy historical fiction. And, this novel is another stellar example of the genre. If anyone has an interest in New York at the turn of the 19th century, Shakespeare, Freud, Jung, and mysteries with more twists than a Chubby Checker concert this is a book for you. Highly recommended.

books I couldn't read:

The Tipping Point by Malcom Gladwell

It's not that I can't read non-fiction, it's just that - I don't know what it is. Sure things tip. A few 'cool' people wore hush puppies and then a lot of people wore them. Here's a new tipping point for you Gladwell - Nintendo has made a come back with the Wii because people like it. The few people who could actually get one after it was released told friends and family how great it was and those people went to great lengths to get one. Some even went to Ebay and paid for one but never received it...

The Bone Woman by Clea Koff

I'm actually quite interested in forensic anthropology (in theory and from a distance), so why I can't I read more than a page of this book a month? Probably because it's non-fiction, and probably because Koff comes off as unlikeable. She calls a mosquito 'mate' on page 2, maybe I could get past that if it were fiction, maybe.

mad rhymes

I'm out of practice with blogging (which just so happens to rhyme with jogging, and I'm also out of practice with that. Dogging, logging, and hogging, are things that I am not experienced in, which may be just as well).
In light of my flabby blogger muscles I thought I would start small and work up to bigger and better things (come on 'blogs of note')
Here's a little snippet of my thoughts during my lunch break. I was alone in a small windowless room, reading the nutritional label of Coffee Mate (for the second day in a row).

"Clump is funny verb. The powder clumped last night when the dew set in. It's funny how everyone clumps together in times of stress. If clumpin' were a new dance, would the dancers clump together if they got wet ?" Cue inner techno music.

Well there you have it. The first, and hopefully worst blog of the new year. As my old band teacher would say "it will only get better from here"

Breaking News

This just in:

American Corn Pops both look and taste different than the Canadian Version.

And now back to your regular program.

I remember when you were here

I have made my very own club. Anyone can join and it's pretty easy to get in. Staying in, however, is a different story. The "First timer's club" is, as the name suggests, for people who have done something for the very first time. First time on an airplane - you're in. First time at a foam party - you get the idea. For no very good reason I have decided that the club membership expires one week after the first timer incident. The challenge is to stay in the club for as long as possible. For younger people this isn't a problem - their lives are full of first times. For guys like me, who have just turned 31 (I'm still riding that first timer high) things get a bit more challenging. It is true that I often shout out "First timer's club" when Capital M and I are driving in a new area of the city but I think that's kind of pushing it. Real first time events tend to stick in your memory for years (like riding on top of a van and going under a rather low tunnel bridge at break neck speeds).
So to you, aspiring member or person seeking membership renewal, be safe, have fun, and never stop having first times.

Dr. Impossible

Tomorrow starts the beginning of "National Novel Writing Month." I just heard about it today and it's a pretty neat though ambitious idea. Simply put - writers are to write a short 50, 000 word novel in the month of November. I did the math (of course) and a person would have to write 1667 words per day. That brings back memories of trying to write 2000 word papers the day before they were due while in university- not an entirely pleasant experience. However, it's the idea of a deadline that is supposed to give people the push they need to write.
I'm going to meet with a group this evening who seem to have intentions of pulling this off. This is not to say that I do exactly, but who knows. At the very least I may actually start meeting people in this very large city.
Now before the e-mails start pouring in, let me say that I still intend to post a few blogs during the Na-No month (assuming I get really into it), so worry not.
In other news, I wore two costumes today. One was subtle and the other obvious. I borrowed a cowboy hat from the absent M, put on a bandana bandito style and went as a cowboy to work. For the subtle costume, I wore a shirt with a slight stain and was "the guy who doesn't know he's wearing shirt with a stain" but the irony was that I did, obviously.
And there I go breaking Carrol Burnette's 2nd rule of comedy, again.

the execution of all things

At 4:00am last night I woke up to the phone ringing. I'm not sure why but waking up to that sound really scares me.
It was a wrong number, unsurprisingly. The woman, who spoke no English, seemed put out by the little mix up (shouldn't it have been the other way around?) I hung up the phone, went back to bed and felt my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to go back to sleep. Ten sleepless minutes passed by. My heart rate was finally slowing down when the phone rang again. I didn't get up to answer it. My reasoning was the woman would hear the answering service, realize she had the wrong number and that would be that. Meanwhile, my heart pounded harder with every ring.
Fifteen minutes later the phones rang again. Part of me didn't believe it was actually happening. Why now? Why me? By the time I picked up the phone there was nothing but a dial tone.
I checked the caller history and discovered that a new person had been calling after the initial phone caller. What are the chances of that happening in the 4:00am hour? Both numbers were from Toronto and I called the second in hope of preventing a third call.
The first time I tried there was a sudden hang up. I tried again and I could hear a woman's voice when the line was answered but she doesn't hear me and she's also making no sense. I hung up, put the phone on my night table and waited for the next call in bed.
Some time shortly after 5 Am it happens.
"Please stop calling here, you have the wrong number."
There is a slight pause and woman, maybe high, says "what, what?"
"You've been calling here for almost an hour and it's the wrong number." I don't know why I don't say it as angrily as feel. Maybe it’s because I could have avoided this if I had just answered the phone the second time it rang. It's not really bad luck that's caused this, just a bad decision.
"Oh sorry," she says.
I lay awake in bed until my alarm went off less than an hour later.

Tomorrow is Halloween. I have no subtle costume ideas and no one to notice (or not) even if I did.

ready to go

My downstairs neighbour has started her own dating agency. I'm not sure I understand how the matching process works exactly but I do know that it involves meditation and yoga on the part of my neighbour. Every now and then she has a get together for her hopeful clients and tonight is one of those nights. For the past few hours I have listened to the arrhythmic drumming of a tubla, muffled conversations, and laughter. As such, on some level I would say this evening would appear to be a success.
My neighbour even stopped by to invite Capital M and me over for some food. However, Capital M is back in Halifax for the next week and I declined the offer - I wouldn't want the female clients to be disappointed when they found out I wasn't on the market.
I’m kidding, of course. I think my neighbour is secretly hoping to get Capital M in her pool of daters. She already told M that she’d be perfect for what one of her clients was looking for.
Maybe it's just as well she's not here...

Hard wire

Surprisingly, a lot of people have recently written in asking the same question:
Can you eat an entire loaf of raisin bread in one weekend?

The short answer is: We don't know yet.
Half way into the weekend and half the loaf is gone, so odds are yes I can. However, at some point 'self restraint' will come into play and that very well could turn out to be the 'TSN turning point' and prolong the bread's life. As well, I am planning on eating something else besides raisin bread for my next few meals. But, don't make any bets just yet - this is still anyone's game.

Columns of steam

I was in Zellers today and saw a cookbook called "The Rookie Cookbook." On the cover was a man tearing up as he cut an onion. So here's my question: how many onions must a man cut before they no longer burn his eyes?
I don't know how many I've chopped but I do know that it hurts it just as much now as it did 12 years ago. So tell me Jean Pare, when does the pain end?

Riding in the backseat

There are hundreds of little smudges on the windows by Laptropolis III. Three windows, all decorated with the nose imprints of two cats. Their ears have become finely attuned to the sound of Marzi's car and they bound across the room when they hear it approaching. It's almost like having dogs except the cats aren't consistent. Sometimes they leave their mark on the windows, others they stay sleeping on whatever surface has taken their fancy that day.
By this point both cats have earned many different nicknames, the most current are: Private Brown (usually cat #2) and Stinky Nickels (usually cat #1). Perhaps 'earned' is misleading - cat 2 (usually) hasn't joined the armed forces and cat 1(usually) doesn't have smelly change.
Fortunately for me, they take my songs about them and nonsensical nicknames in stride. Though this could explain why they tend to prefer the company of Capital M. Or, they're just waiting for better nicknames.

Not goin' back

My first teaching assignment was a bust. I was supposed to teach a grade 12 English class but it ended up being a terrific waste of time for myself and the students (all three of them). They should have been in a beginner ESL course; instead they were advanced grade level by level because they were paying for the course and would have gone to another private school for the credit. The private school system is so corrupt that even when I discovered one barely literate student cheated on his grade 11 final exam nothing happened - at best he was told not to do it again. This isn't to say all private schools, just the new, unaccredited ones that are hoping to make a quick buck offering students who have no interest in actually learning, the credit to say they did.
I recently saw a job posting from the school. I think it's trying to tell only qualified people to apply but it reads quite differently (I swear this is directly from the job posting - I haven't altered a word):

Since the large volume of application, we strongly suggest people who have no idea of student recruitment, please do not apply for this job. We are looking for employee who has strong background of student recruitment, or has great recourses and connections with students locally or internationally

This has to be one of the most unintentionally funny things I have ever seen. If only the job posting I saw had been written that poorly I may not have applied. If only...

Mr. F

"I've got my health" that's what went through my mind when I stood up on the bus and felt something sticking my pants to the bus seat. I usually check for gum, fluids, or other undesirable substances before I sit, but I was sleepy this morning and my guard was down. I love Toronto Transit.

Love love me

Tomorrow I have to tell a normally developed, 40 year old man that he shouldn't be looking at porn on the school computers. This will undoubtedly be an awkward conversation.

In which Jesse V tries to solve a crime and fails

Here are some deductions on the theft of my bike:

1. The bike thief only recently saw my bike before it was stolen. If not, it likely would have been taken long ago
2. The thief had to have staked out the scene, there are people around during the day and he/she had to know that no one would respond to the motion sensor light triggered at night when people walk near the area where the bike was locked up
3. The bike thief is able to easily identify high end bikes, and is not interested in bikes of little monetary value, case in point - mine was stolen, Capital M's was left behind
4. The thief may have used a truck or van, it would make for a much faster get away than fighting to get the bike in the back seat of a car
5. The thief is skilled and had the right tools for the job. The entire lock was taken with the bike. A closer examination of the the crime scene revealed absolutely no evidence that the lock had been broken, cut, or shattered. Moreover, it was a high end lock and would take some skill to open
6. The thief does not live in the neighbourhood. See point 1, and it would be foolish to try and sell or ride the bike in a place where I might find it
7. The thief did not steal the bike for personal use. See point 6, and given the skill involved with picking the lock it is likely the thief has done this before
8. The bike will not be stripped down and sold as individual parts. Selling the parts would reduce the potential for profit. Moreover, selling the bike requires one single transaction, if the parts are sold individually there is a chance the buyer may only want one or two components.
9. The bike thief must have a fence. Beyond Craigslist or the classifieds, how else could a thief sell a hot bike that most people would consider too expensive even used
10. I have phoned 24 bike shops (no exaggeration) and very few of them claim to sell high end used bikes. What they say and what they do may differ, but it is likely that most people would probably spend hundreds of dollars for a new bike, not a used one.
11. My bike may no longer be in Toronto. Based on my deductions and the fact that so few shops deal in used high end bikes, it would seem that a fence would have better luck unloading the bike across the boarder
12. I did get the name of three shops that sell stolen bikes - however I was also told that it's difficult to see the merchandise. Now I need a) a car b) some form of crime fighting glove c) a way in

everywhere the cat goes

This past Tuesday Capital M and I went to see Rilo Kiley. I like their music but I'm not as big a fan as she is. That being said, the show was awesome. The music totally rocked and being around a band that good was nothing less than inspiring. I could could keep gushing but I think I've made my point.
Well I'm on the subject of music I have thought up part of a song. It's called 'Prepositions'* and it goes like this:

Chorus

I'm stuck between trying to remember and forget,
but while I'm here I can't get by and I just can't get ahead,
For so long you were above me
now you're just beyond
I guess it's time I should be moving on


*'Prepositions' is not intented for serious audiences

Frozen Lake

The following transcript was recorded at 6:12 A.M Tuesday, Sept 18.

Fruit Fly: Hey!
J.V: Go away.
F.F: Excuse me, but I was just wondering if I could have some of your banana. Things have been pretty sparse around here since you took out the compost.
J.V: That was part of the reason why I took it out. You could can go out too you know?
F.F: I could... but I kind of like it in here. Are you going to be done with that banana peel any time soon? Oh, and is there any chance you could pick up some strawberries on your way home tonight?
J.V: Listen, it's really early and I'm not up for this right now, why don't you just sit in the windowsill and watch the sun rise, quietly.
F.F: Someone didn't get enough sleep last night. Fine, I'll watch the sunrise, but I called that banana peel.
(there is a short break in the conversation)
F.F: Holy mother of Honey Dew Melon! You didn't tell me there spiders around here - are you trying to get me killed?
J.V: (sigh) no, I just forgot. Fruit Fly, meet Hoppy. Hoppy, Fruit Fly.
Hoppy: Oi! What's all this then? A little breakfast party and I'm not invited. And it looks like you have a good spread.
(A high pitched fluttering of wings is heard moving a short distance away)
I'm hurt, I really am. Do I not keep the gnats away? Day and night I patrol these windows and this is the thanks I get. I have a mind to leave this place right now.
J.V and FF: You should!
J.V: Hoppy, it's a big world out there, right across the driveway is a place called the 'garage.' It's a wonderful building filled with all kinds of things you'd like.
Hoppy: I know what a 'garage' is, I'm not stupid. My great-great grandmother migrated from there. Unless they did some renovations before I hatched it's still not heated - no way am I'm going there.
J.V and F.F (disappointedly): Oh...
F.F: Well, this has been a fruitless morning, both literally and figuratively. I think I'll go and wait by the compost bucket - unless you were planning on bringing that with you.
J.V: Fine, the banana peel is yours, but only in the bucket.
F.F: Sweet!
Hoppy: And what about little old me? Do I not get a parting gift?
J.V: Besides a warm to place to live free of natural predators and a steady supply gnats?
Hoppy: Oh right. Speaking of which, I see one now. I'm off then.
J.V: (sigh)

paint it black

I will warn you now that this story doesn't really go anywhere, it's just something I remember from my childhood and a mystery that will forever linger in my mind:

I lived in something of a paradox when I was young boy. On one hand, I had a neurotic, over protective mother, on the other she worked 12 hour shifts and I was given a great deal of freedom during that time.
At the age of 6, I was a 'latch key kid.' I had a red cord around my neck that held both my house key and a key to the bike shed of our apartment building. My bike, quite possibly the best inanimate friend a kid could have, was a combination gift from an aunt and my grandfather. My aunt had found it, derelict along a stretch of train tracks. She brought it home and my grandfather fixed it up, painted it black and later presented it to me (to my knowledge he never worked on a bike before or after that). It wasn't my fist bike but it was definitely one of the most memorable.

We had some awesome adventures that bike and I. With the exception of winter, when I would be towing a toboggan, I was always on my bike when I was outside. I can remember outrunning guard dogs on a stretch of private property. Or at least feeling like I was outrunning them - there were two signs posted on a road that ended somewhere I was too afraid to travel to the end of, one said, "Private property, keep off" the other "beware of dogs." Whenever I rode my bike on the road I wasn't supposed to be on I could hear dogs barking and I peddled all the faster because of it. Eventually I would get to a path that took me away from the private property and when I could no longer hear the dogs I felt as though I had out-biked them. There seemed to be a greater logic to what I was doing back then but I can no longer remember, or even figure out, what it was.

My bike had something that resembled a banana seat but it was a little thicker and perfect for doubling real life friends who either didn't have a bike, or couldn't access the one they owned. It was also always up for exploring any forested area that I could peddle through, launching off jumps or the always popular and stylish 'pop-a-wheelie.'

We also faced our share of danger (more real than the dogs). There were some bullies who lived in an area that I inadvertently entered one fateful day. They took my bike and I went home in tears. The captain, with all the anger of a irate mother bear, found the boys who took my bike and made them bring her to it (they had said they couldn't get it). They had industriously placed it in a shallow hole and covered it with tree branches in the forest not far from where they lived.

We also came across a mystery that I am sure is much darker than I realized in my youthful innocence. One day, while biking to the pool, I took a short cut through the woods behind some businesses and came across a group of kids gathered around something. I asked what was going on and a boy I went to school with said they had found something. Curious, I got off my bike and went over to see . They found something alright and to this day I have no idea what they found. Semi-buried in the ground were about a dozen, maybe more, little baggies carefully tied off at the end and filled with a thick, fishbelly-white paste like substance. The bags had all been carefully placed in the ground and unfortunately I don't remember how they had been discovered. I also remember a really unpleasant smell that radiated around the baggies. Smells are supposed to be a memory trigger and I have never come across a similar scent. I also remember getting a feeling that something wasn't right about this - all of us did because we all seemed to have a collective urge to leave. I'd love to know what that was, maybe it wasn't anything but there are a lot of things I can't remember from 23 years ago and it must mean something that I can remember that.